


Goner (don't let me be)

by heylaurita



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-10-07 17:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 17,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10366158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylaurita/pseuds/heylaurita
Summary: (based on the song Goner by Twenty One Pilots)Where Josh has anxiety and dissociative identity disorder and Tyler may be his only hope.





	1. first

**September 8th, 2003**

Dr. Eva said writing in a journal could help identify my problems and calm me down. She always says that when we know what bothers us, that problem always seems smaller.

Maybe this will help, I don’t know. I'm still in the fourth line of this stupid notebook my mother bought at the first stationery she saw on the way. It has the cover of light blue and red stripes. It looks like a cool combination.

To be honest, I hate it all. I hate myself for having anxiety disorder, and that's why I sit in a beige leather chair in front of Dr. Eva every week. She's not a bad person, but I do not think she's being able to help me.

Well, I went to school today... High school. Wow, exciting. I ate my peanut butter sandwich at half time. There at school was full of new people. In fact, I think I was the new person, because everyone there already knew each other.

I ended up sitting in the back of the room and there was a bo

**AM I DOING THIS STUPID THING? SCREW DR. EVA! I AM A GONER AND IT'S NOT A NOTEBOOK THAT WILL CURE ME LIKE A MIRACLE**

**I HATE HIM I HATE EVERYBODY I HATE MY PARENTS MY BROTHERS I HATE MY ANXIETY TRANSTORN**


	2. second

**September 15th, 2003**

I don't know what happened. I found a way to make the notebook disappear and I only found it today. It happens sometimes. I forget what I just did or talked about. At first I thought it was very strange, but I got used to it being a part of me.

Today at school I think I made a friend (I'll ask Dr. Eva if lend a pen is a good way to make friends, maybe she'll tell me). He sits well by my side in English, Math and Chemistry classes. Always in the same place, next to me in the back of the room. Only today he spoke to me.

Nobody talks to me. Maybe it's my blue hair that sort of chases people away. Or the fact that I'm always in sweats and the others wear clothes so light and beautiful and fresh. I don’t care what they think of me anymore. My new friend did not say anything about my hair or my clothes. He also wears sweats. His eyes seem to need something I do not know what it is.

Well, he asked me for a pen. Maybe that lost look was because of the pen he needed. I had a spare, so I borrowed it. When I told my mother this, she just sighed and said it was good that I was making friends at school.

It is strange to realize now that when he spoke to me I was not about to faint, neither trembling nor breathing with difficulty. I was just a normal person and he was too.

I liked to feel it.

I never listened to the call except when they call my name, so I do not know his name. Tomorrow I'll ask, but if I do not have the guts, at least I'll pay attention to the call.


	3. third

**September 16th, 2003**

His name is Tyler!

I smiled as soon as I heard the math teacher say his name. I could not get into it, but it's good enough to know my new friend's name.

Today we had a class on quadratic function. This is very annoying, so I spent the entire class scribbling birds in the notebook.

I do not take my diary to school for obvious security reasons. It would be horrible if someone read it and found out I have an anxiety disorder and go to the psychiatrist once a week. If Tyler knew that I would never have another friend again.

I saw that Tyler saw me draw birds at the edge of the notebook page. He did not say anything about it. When I looked at him, he drew birds as well, but only his silhouettes. The shadows of mine.

Today I brought a waffle made by my mother for the snack. Most sophomores go out on the halftime, while the freshmen take home snacks or eat what the school offers. I'd rather not have food poisoning.

I never see Tyler in the breaks. He always reappears in class, but I never see him in the hallways.

I want to talk to him, be friends with him... but I have no idea how to do this. Does he know?


	4. fourth

**September 17th, 2003**

I missed my bus today. I live so far away from school, and my father left early with the car. I did not go to school. Right now, I spent all night preparing to talk to Tyler.

I wonder if he's asking me now. Maybe not. I almost forgot that I'm forgettable. Nothing special other than psychological upsets and a blue mess that sits on top of my head.

Does not anyone in my **FAMILY NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A TRASH?**

**MY PARENTS ONLY SPEND MONEY WITH THAT BITCH THAT SAYS HELPING ME WHEN IN THE TRUTH I ONLY LOSE ONE HOUR A WEEK OF MY LIFE IN THAT CONSULTORY**

**SHE IS RUINING MY LIFE**

**SHE HAS TO STOP THAT**

**NO ONE AROUND ME SHALL CARE TO KNOW HOW I REALLY ARE, JUST PUSH FIVE DIFFERENT REMEDIES DOWN THROUGH, BUT IN TRUTH NOBODY CARES FOR ME**

**TILL THIS DUMB TYLER DOESN’T CARE**

**HE DOES NOT TALK TO ME, WHY HE WOULD TALK? WHY HE WOULD BE FRIENDS WITH A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE ME?**

**JOSH, IT'S BETTER TO GIVE UP**


	5. fifth

**September 20th, 2003**

I found the diary between the bed and the mattress.

I do not know why I live trying to hide this notebook from myself. Every time that happens, I wake up somewhere (where I have no idea how I ended up) with a hellish headache, and when I look for the diary, it's always gone.

I'm afraid to tell this to Dr. Eva and she'll give me more meds and more meditation exercises. At the same time, I want to talk, I want to have a normal life like all other people.

These days I just talked to Tyler once, and it was yesterday. He was reading a Batman comic book in Chemistry class, and then when he realized I was following up on his reading, he asked if I wanted to borrow it.

And it didn’t happen again. I felt very close to him, talking to him. Maybe the fact that he treats me like I do not have all these problems I have makes me feel normal for real.

I remember he smiled a little at me as he asked if I wanted to read. I saw your teeth. His smile was cute.

I just thanked him with a wave of my hand and looked back at my notebook. Then I felt bad, very bad. Even with all those medicines I was still anxious and neurotic. My hands were sweating and shaking and I hid them between my thighs so Tyler did not look.

The worst part of an anxiety attack is pretending to be okay, but there, near Tyler, I failed miserably. All I thought was NO NO NO NO, but he just blinked at my hands hidden between his thighs, then he looked at me a little worried. I was afraid he'd ask if I was okay because I HATE it. This question only comes out of the mouth of those who do not care. Who really cares has eyes and can tell if the person is well or not.

Tyler went back to reading, and incredibly I was more relaxed watching his eyes dance on the drawings.

It calmed me down a lot. I can not wait for Monday. I'm going to take some comics to lend to Tyler.

My mother is calling me. It's time to see Dr. Eva.


	6. sixth

**September 21th, 2003**

Dr. Eva asked how the diary is going and I said it was going well. I just didn’t mention to her what happens from time to time (the disappearance of the diary). Oh, and today I noticed that on the days that the diary disappears some scrawled words appear in the diary, always cursing everyone and even myself, but I never remember having them written.

She asked me if I had made friends at the new school and I said that there was a boy who sat next to me and we talked from time to time. She was very happy to hear this from me, I guess.

Then she asked if I was getting better from the symptoms of anxiety, and I said I didn’t feel bad talking to him.

Then she smiled at me and said that I should continue talking to him, because he seems to be good for me.

He seems to make me feel good, but I know nothing but his name.

Tyler Joseph.

Maybe he'll help me more than Dr. Eva get through this. More than the remedies.

More than the diary.

I'm a little nervous now, it's almost bedtime and tomorrow I have class. The comics are in my backpack. I hope Tyler enjoys it.

 

 


	7. seventh

**September 22th, 2003**

When I got to school I did something I had never done before in my entire life. I rushed into the classroom. Like, I really did. Like they're handing out cereal over there.

My first class was English, and that meant I'd be close to Tyler again. To my surprise, when I arrived in the classroom he was already there, sitting at the back of the room, and there was a pile of comics on my desk.

Then I approached and Tyler looked at me and smiled.

He smiled. No one smiles at me except for sorrow.

He said "Hi, Josh," then I sat in my chair and looked at the comics on my desk. He said they were for me and he expected me to enjoy. I noticed when his cheeks turned pink as he spoke.

I was surprised and told him that I too had taken comics to him.

I opened my backpack and put the ten copies that I had separated for him. He looked very happy about it.

And I was happy all day. I started reading the comics he loaned me to me at school. I was reading just now, I had to force myself to stop reading so I could write.

He lent me the first numbers of the X-Men. I thought I did not like them until I finished the first comic.

Then we sat down for lunch and talked about the comics, and he told me that he really liked Batman, but he still preferred the X-Men. And I talked about my situation with the X-Men.

When I got home my mother followed me into my room and she asked why I looked so happy. I didn’t want to talk about Tyler with her, so I just said that I had found five dollars on the street. She narrowed her eyes at me and left smiling from my room.

I wanted to have Tyler's phone number. We'd spend the whole night talking about the stories. Maybe I could even meet my new best friend.

Come to think of it, it's good to have a friend who does not judge you by having a lot of mental issues.


	8. eighth

**September 23th, 2003**

Since this morning I feel strange, as if someone was following me closely (kind, walking beside me), but I never see anyone.

Tyler did not show up in class today. I worried about him. I took the last three comics left to read yet in class, and that made it a little more bearable.

Then it was an hour I got tired of reading, and I looked around. I started to feel bad, the anxiety symptoms were coming back and I could not lose control, not there, in the midst of all those people and without Tyler around.

Then, trying to calm myself down, I laid my head on the open comic book, trying to imagine myself closer to Tyler, and after a few minutes it seemed to start working. The pages almost smelled of the perfume he wore, and that was kind of comforting. Well, I do not know if he's my best friend or anything, but when I realize that these comic books are kind of part of him, I feel better.

I just wanted to thank Tyler for giving me some sanity after so muc

**NO, THIS IS DISGUSTING.**

**YOU DON’T HAVE A FRIEND, HE DOES THAT FOR SORROW, HE KNOWS YOU ARE A SICK**

**DO NOT GRAB IT TO HIM AS YOUR LAST HOPE**

**I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE**

**JUST SAY THE WORDS YOU MEAN**

**I AM NOT IMPORTANT, NOBODY CALL FOR ME. IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I DIE**

**WHO WOULD GO TO CARE IF SHAME OF THE FAMILY DIES?**

**NOR THE IDIOT THAT MAKES ME HAPPY WOULD MISS ME**


	9. ninth

**September 27th, 2003**

I'm starting to worry about it.

The diary is fading and I keep writing those horrible and ugly words without my remembering how I could do it. Today I'm going to see Dr. Eva again and I'm going to take the diary, too. I'll ask why this happens. If it is a side effect of one of the remedies, maybe it will take it out of my prescription... But blackjack remedies should not have any side effects to make more mental issues, should they?

The day the diary disappeared, I woke up on the porch of my house, sitting on the floor. When I got home, my whole family was looking at me strangely, but I did not dare to ask what had happened. I just went up to my room and locked myself until the next day.

The following days at school were very good. Tyler told me that he lived in Lewis Center and said he could give me his address so I could spend an afternoon there with him, some weekend, reading comics and watching some movies.

Then I got home and asked my mother if I could go. She said "of course, Josh, but first I have to talk to Dr. Eva about this." I was annoyed, but she said that Dr. Eva was the one who knew what was best for me.

I got pissed all night, but on Friday, I woke up agreeing with my mother. I could not let Tyler see what I really am: broken.

I'm going to have to talk about Tyler to Dr. Eva. But I do not think I need to talk about how cute his smile is, right? And his eyes shine so bright when he sees me...

Oh, damn, I almost forgot. Now it's written down in the diary.


	10. tenth

**September 28th, 2003**

Dr. Eva was worried about reading my notes, especially those I did not know I had written.

I felt a little uncomfortable seeing her reading the pages, but it was me and not her who had the idea of taking the diary. The invasion was my idea, so I could not complain.

When she finished reading, she laughed a little, because of the note about Tyler. I felt my cheeks burn, which made her laugh a little more and then apologize. Then we talked about Tyler and I forgot my self-prohibition to talk about him. I told her how close I felt to him and how much I wanted to spend that afternoon with him.

Dr. Eva said it would be great for me, but I was very worried about hate notes. She asked what happened after I wrote it, so I said that the diary always appeared hidden somewhere hard to find, which kept me from writing every day. I said I never remember writing those things, and that all I remembered was that I felt myself losing control of my body as I wrote, which is a weird sensation. Then I'd wake up somewhere random.

She did not say anything to me and she needed to talk to my parents. I shuddered, then she said that I could leave and that I did not need to keep the diary for her to read. It was mine and only I could read, but it was good that I let her read it.

My parents did not tell me what she said to them. I only know that my mother looked pale and about to cry on the way home. Ashley even asked what had happened (my dad brought her from ballet class), but she just said it was no big deal.

I'm dying to ask what happened, what Dr. Eva said, but I'm afraid it's something too horrible.

By the way, I'm not going to Tyler's house anytime soon.


	11. eleventh

**September 29th, 2003**

Tyler invited me to go to his house after class, and I was scared to death of my mother if I was late home. He said we were going to kill the afternoon classes to play video games, and then I got nervous.

But Tyler's gaze was so... Oh, how can I describe it? He was almost begging me to kill him to play video games, so... I went.

I was afraid my mom or dad would be out on the street while Tyler and I were hurrying along the sidewalk. But Tyler took some shortcuts and in less than ten minutes we were at his house.

Then I asked him if his parents would not quarrel with him, so he took a key from his pocket and said that his parents just came home from work at night. Then he opened a smile the size of the world when he opened the front door and we went in there. His house is similar to mine, but his house is white and mine is red. He does not live far from school, so he can go walking to school. We ate toast with raspberry jam and I got some of his cereal. I wished to be his neighbor.

Then we went to play Mortal Kombat. He always won from me, and sometimes he let me win. That game gave me a good feeling, a good anxiety, not the one that kept me from thinking straight and breathing. Sometimes I would stop looking at the TV and look at Tyler. He looked so excited playing. I liked to see him focused, but I could not stand looking at his face all day.

Not just the face. Tyler at his entirety. His voice calm me, the way he says my name. The hurried walk was one thing that fit him perfectly. I think it's normal to think about my best friend, isn’t it?

There was a time when I noticed Tyler looking at me like a dumb. I don’t know what he was seeing. Maybe it was my hair, which was starting to fade. I don’t think it makes much difference. When I caught him looking at me he pretended that he was tying the shoelace.

Then when the clock struck four in the afternoon I picked up my things and went out of Tyler's house. So he called me and told me to wait a little. He took a piece of paper and wrote something in a hurry. When he handed it to me I saw that it was his home phone number.

I jotted down mine and handed it to him. Tyler smiled (I love noting that he smiled at me. Gosh) and said we should talk more. I thanked him and hurried to my bus stop, as fast as the wind.

I'll call him in a moment, I miss him already. Tyler is the only person who brings normality to my day-to-day life. He makes me feel alive. It makes me ignore the voices inside my head. I just wanted to thank the creator of this world for giving me Tyler Joseph as my best friend.


	12. twelfth

 

** September 30th, 2003 **

I slept very late yesterday.

Tyler and me, actually. We kept talking about how bad I was at fighting games and I said that next time we should play Mario Kart. He laughed at me.

Then when it was past midnight, we stopped talking about games and comics. He told me that he suffered from bullying in the old school and so he moved into that school.

Secretly, I thanked God that he changed schools.

I did not say anything about my problems. He would completely walk away from me if he did.

He told me a little about his family and I talked about mine. I said that my sister Ashley does ballet and that I have an aunt who is fanatic for candies. He laughed when I told him about my Aunt Lisa.

His brother, Zack, was kind of his best friend until he met me. There Tyler said that since Zack got a girlfriend, he did not even care about Tyler anymore. It was as if he had grown up from nothing.

Then we kept talking and talking and talking until the bedside clock was set to make two in the morning.

I said, "Tyler, I need to hang up."

"Oh, but already?"

"Of course," I replied to him. "Tomorrow's class and I can’t lose the time, right?"

"Yeah." Tyler had paused. I heard him sigh, "Oh, but I love hearing your voice so much."

Neither of us said anything until he continued:

"Good night, Josh."

"Good night, Tyler."

And with a tug in my stomach, I completed:

"Sleep tight."

Then Tyler hung up the call and I regretted saying it was late.  
At school we talked less than usual at school, I do not know why. I paid more attention in class than in the last few days. Tyler and me were together all day. Now I see him at lunch.

My mother said that tomorrow afternoon she will pick me up at school to go to Dr. Eva's office. She said she needs to talk to me as soon as possible.  
I wish I had the courage to tell these things to Tyler. I wanted to share my anguish with him, he is my best friend. But every time I think about telling him everything, my tongue just stuck inside my mouth and I give up trying to tell.

Maybe I can leave the diary inside his backpack.

Oh no.

He'll find it weird if he knows I love his smile.


	13. thirteenth

**October 1st, 2003**

Tyler told me today that his birthday would be two months from now.

Oh, so he's still 14 years old. I'll save some money to buy something special for him. Until December 1st, I've already decided what to buy for Tyler.

Today we had chemistry class together. I find Mr. Diggle too boring, but Tyler was there, so everything was less annoying.

I felt the urge to tell Tyler again. With all I say all this psychiatrist and anxiety and remedies thing. Surely Tyler does not even suspect that I have it all in my life. The remedies are working, after all.

Or this is just the effect of Tyler. Make me feel normal. Just like everyone seems to be.

But no one is normal, right? I just had the flaw of having generalized anxiety and having to take medication to control it, though... I doubt that Tyler or any of those others who study with me is 100% mentally stable.

Tyler asked what I was going to do when my mother came to school to pick me up after lunch. I was eager to tell the whole truth, but it would take time and my mother was a little impatient. I did not want to lie to my best friend, but I did. I said I was going to visit a sick aunt. My mother said hi to Tyler and took me to the car.

I only realized how tense I was when I got out of the car in front of Dr. Eva's office.

The whole thing was unbearable. The wait at the reception, the talk of the receptionist, the nervousness of my parents... I hated myself for that. I thought that business of losing mind control was almost over, but somehow I managed to resist. Then we went into Eva's room.

She talked to me a little. He asked if I had seen someone I had never seen before, and I spoke of the feeling of being followed closely. Then she sighed oh-so-heavily and looked at my parents and me.

I have, in addition to anxiety disorder, double personality disorder. Another one lives in me. An evil, destructive me, all my bad side that I've never known and that lives inside my mind seizes my body and does things I do not want.

Now look at me. Look, a 15-year-old boy being destroyed by his own mind. My chances of being normal are below zero now. No one said that, but I know that both my parents and Dr. Eva know that. Just do not have the courage to tell me.

I've lost all desire to tell my problems to Tyler. I'm even thinking of moving away from him now, but on second thought... no. Tyler is my best friend. If I go away, I'll have to give an explanation, and I could never explain it all.


	14. fourteenth

**October 2nd, 2003**

I went back to school today very dejected. Dr. Eva prescribed me one more type of medication, and this will have to be the first of the day. Besides, she said that I had to limit my contact with Tyler a little more if I didn't want him to know all my psychological problems. It was either that or telling him everything.

I can’t. I'll never be able to do this, ever. Why she doesn’t understand? She could tell me how. It is not so simple to get up to him and say "hi, I have anxiety disorders and double personality, can I be your friend?". It's not that simple.

She says if he's my friend he'll understand.

I'm too scared. Afraid, afraid, afraid. Afraid to say that to him and he come to see me as a freak. Something to be avoided. He would not like to be friends with someone who loses consciousness and bullshit.

Today at school we had two vague classes, so me and Tyler went to buy new comics at a store near the school. Since I had only taken the money from the bus ticket, he said that he bought it and lent it to me later.

He bought the last two numbers of the X-Men. We read one at school. Then he said that tonight he would read the other and tomorrow he would lend me.

I'm starting to get anxious. Not the bad way, you know? Anxious for the school. Anxious to see Tyler.


	15. fifteenth

**October 3th, 2003**

I always feel a little bad when I say goodbye to Tyler on Friday. I don’t like the idea that I will spend two whole days without seeing it.

Since we have each other's phones, we talk at night until bedtime. My mom and dad love the idea that I finally got someone to talk to, but they've already joked about the phone bill. I do not care. Everything has a price.

Today Tyler had a cool idea. He said one of his brothers, Jay, has a "secret" handshake with his best friend. Then he told me that since we're best friends, we could create one for ourselves.

He called me a best friend and that was the best thing in the world.

We killed the afternoon classes to go to his house. He served me soda and brownies. Then we went to work on our secret hand touch.

It took us three hours. Then we did it five times in a row without making a mistake, and to celebrate, we went to play Mario Kart.

The handshake turned out to be a bit complicated, but at least it's just ours. The seal of our friendship.

He lent me the X-Men comic he bought yesterday. I'm with it here on the side, ready to read.


	16. sixteenth

**October 5th, 2003**

Dr. Eva asked me how the diary was, and I said it was going well.

I didn’t write yesterday. I didn’t feel like it. I told her about it, and she asked me if I had already told her about my situation for Tyler.

I hate when she uses euphemisms. I know I have no way. I just want to take this "other" from me. The rest I can handle. Tyler can help me handle it.

I said no, I'd never had the guts, and then she suggested that when I did not feel like writing in the diary, I could do the notes in letter form, as if I were writing to Tyler instead of writing to anyone.

I was a bit scared by the idea of the letters. She said that I did not have to hand the letters over to him. I just needed to write them on days I was not in the habit of writing in the form of normal notes. And I could keep those letters. Or throw away. I’ll decide.

I confess I was very excited about this as she explained. I know it will not be the same as telling Tyler, but at least it can ease the pain.

I'll start tomorrow.


	17. seventeenth

**Letter No. 01**

**October 6th, 2003**

Dear Tyler,

No. This looks romantic.

Mr. Tyler Joseph,

It looks like university rejection letter.

Tyler,

 _My God_ , I think I prefer the:

Dear Tyler,

I don’t know how to begin to explain all these things to you. I'll pretend you do not know anything about me yet. I'm going to pretend I'm a stranger.

My name is Joshua William Dun, but I like you to call me Josh. I live on Fahlander North Street, almost in the center of Columbus. I live far from the school that we study. I have 15 years. I have two sisters: Ashley and Abby. I also have a brother, Jordan. They are really cool (though I barely talk to them).

I wish you knew who I really am, Tyler. I want you to know me, but I never have the courage to tell you everything that really happens to me.

I'm afraid that after I tell you, you move away from me. Don’t be afraid of me. I'm not bad, Tyler. _He_ is. The one that makes me write and say bad things. I don’t want to see his face, but my psychiatrist says that the double personalities always have a face and a name.

I have anxiety disorder and dual personality, Tyler. You may have noticed my anxiety attacks at school, and believe me, ever since I met you, they started to get milder. I don’t tremble so much, I don’t look so bad, I can control myself better. And all this because you're close to me.

I want to be better, Tyler. I want to get better. Before I had you as a friend I could find no motivation to get rid of all this, but now I want to. I need your help.

I hope you don’t leave me.


	18. eighteenth

**October 7th, 2003**

**SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER SCREW TYLER**


	19. nineteenth

**October 10th, 2003**

Tyler hugged me at school today.

Oh, before that, I have to explain what happened. Dr. Eva said that I should narrate my day as much as I can.

I don’t know why I snapped angrily "screw Tyler". Surely the _other_ was talking about Tyler, but I have no idea why. This time the diary was in my treehouse, and I remember waking up with the headache and my mother sleeping in a chair next to me.

I also found on my bedside table the pill of tranquilizers that Dr. Eva passed me once, and it was certainly not my mother who took one of those meds.

That day, at school, we had a test. I had not studied so much, so I took out a C. Tyler took A. He's good at math.

I think the other was envious of Tyler, I do not know. But I was not. I was happy for him. Tyler made me promise to improve on the next test.

Coming back to today, he hugged me on the way out, so we made our secret handshake. We finished and then he hugged me at the end and I stared at him, kind of confused.

He said, "We could hug each other pretty fast in the end, could not we?"

Then I said "that's a good idea" and he smiled at me.

I waited for my bus, and he took his shortcut home. I looked at him until he disappeared from my field of vision. He walks around in a hurry, as if he's running away from something.

When I got home, my mother asked if I was okay. I said "yes" and she asked what had happened to make me look like another Josh.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Then she said that in the last few days I was very smiling. I stopped smiling at the time and she was a little sad.

She told me she was happy that I was happy, though. With all it means the attacks etc. She also asked if I had taken the meds for anxiety and I said yes, and that I did not feel the symptoms.

Then Mom said, "Since you met that Tyler boy, you've been a lot better."

I went up to my room before she could talk more about Tyler.


	20. twentieth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of uptades, I was really really busy and I kinda forgot about this fanfic lmao rip me  
> but now I'm back  
> xoxo

**Letter No. 2**

**October 11th, 2003**

Tyler, you have no idea how hard it is for me to spend two whole days without you.

Two days without seeing you means two days of paranoia, bad thoughts, vulnerability and anxiety. I didn't want to hate it, but I hate it. I hate being away from you.

I don't want to call you in the nighttime, I don't want to give you all my pieces, I don't want to hand you all my troubles, not even my demons. They're mine, Tyler. You have a life too good to be disturbed by me. I know that all this would make a normal person move away from me, being that I can break at any moment, and so sometimes I think you'd better watch me struggle far away from me.

But now, Tyler, I need you to stay.

It's been a while since we're friends, but I've realized that I'm a lot better today than I was a month ago. Even my brother Jordan, who barely talks to me, has noticed that I'm different.

I keep taking my pills (though I don't think I need them anymore, but I need them as much as I need you). I hope one day I can wake up and not have to take any more pills to pretend I'm okay.

You know, sometimes, before bed, I wonder if we'll be friends forever, and I get scared that one day we'll go away. Would you be my best friend for life or not? Do you need me as much as I need you?

Tyler, I wonder: Will I ever be able to face this world alone?


	21. twenty-first

**October 12th, 2003**

Dr. Eva asked how I was (which she does every week) and I said I was fine. Then she told me, a little surprised, that it was the third week in a row that I said I was doing very well. She notes everything. She even told me that the last time I said I felt good was on my birthday last year when I won a GameBoy Advance. I was surprised because I didn't remember it anymore (although I still play Top Gear almost every day in it).

She didn't touch the subject _Tyler_ and, although I did not like talking about him with the other people, I said that yesterday I had written a letter to him. Dr. Eva seemed very interested, but she kept her word of not invading my privacy. Then she spoke about the other. She asked several questions, like: if he had a face; If I had already seen it; If I had already talked to him; If he had a name; If I knew anything about it. All my answers were no.

She seemed annoyed about it, but after seeming to be thinking about it a little (I swear I was afraid of what she might be thinking), she jotted something down in her notebook and looked at me.

She told me that this "forgetting" I have is called dissociative amnesia, and she spoke in some terms that I have never heard in my life, but what I could understand is that forgetfulness is a symptom of double personality disorder. She also said that my anxiety disorder and panic attacks might also be related to dual personality. After a while, she said we thought we were fighting one thing when it was really different. She took one of the medicines I take against my medication anxiety, and decreased the doses of others. She prescribed me a very complicated name pain reliever which she said was meant to relax me and try to remember what happened while I was "out of my mind".

In addition, she advised me to keep in touch with Tyler because social support is critical in addressing this "situation," as she puts it.

I have no faith if this will even work. While it doesn't really show signs of functioning, I have to take these pills every day.


	22. twenty-second

**October 13th, 2003**

This morning I didn't feel like eating, although my mother was almost forcing me to eat. Not even my cereal caught my eye. Then she stopped forcing me to eat and I went to school.

When I saw Tyler I almost ran to my place in the back of the room, but I stopped walking when I saw him half-felled in his chair. When I asked what had happened, he disguised immediately and said that everything was fine, he just had not slept right because he had spent the whole night reading "To The Lighthouse" for English class. I don't know if I should believe this story, but I should not require him to tell me anything. I didn't tell him about my problems, yet.

Maybe I'll never tell. It will not be necessary.

We barely talked during English class. The teacher was kind of watching us both. It seems we have not been paying so much attention to her classes lately. Today I had a vacant schedule, and unfortunately, Tyler didn't have the same vacant time. I remember staring at him through the glass in his living room window. He sent me a little bye. And he smiled. Oh, how he smiled.

He shared the snack with me. He took two brownies that his mother made. I had brought a peanut butter sandwich, so I cut it in half for both of us. His mother cooks very well. I said it to him, then he looked at me in surprise and asked, "Did you like it? Really? ", And I confirmed.

Then he blushed, it was funny, and then he smiled, a little shy. He said he had done it for me. I didn't believe it, I made him tell the truth, but he swore it was true.

So, Tyler cooks very well.

I asked him to make more brownies, and he invited me to go to his house and make the brownies together. Then I had a better idea. I invited him to my house after classes.

He was kind of scared when I said that, but I reassured him, saying that he didn't have anything to worry about. I would be there all the time. Then he looked better. When I got home, I rushed to tell my mother that Tyler would come tomorrow. She was happy and warned my father, who smiled at me. Even my sister Abby seemed surprised by that.

I need to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. I just have to pray the other guy will not come around until Tyler is here.


	23. twenty-third

**October 14th, 2003**

Today was one of the best days of my life.

Luckily, today's class ended at three in the afternoon, so Tyler and I practically flew to the bus stop. I realized he was a little distressed and I wanted to comfort him, but I had no idea how I could do it.

He was like "duuuuuude, you live so far away from school" when we finally got down to my point. Then we'd run from the bus stop to my house. For a second I forgot he didn't know where my house was and I shot in front of him. Tyler is a lot faster and overtakes me in seconds, and I laughed to the point where it almost rolled on the floor as he drove straight from my house.

Technically, he won the race, just didn't stop at the finish line.

My mother was surprised to see us gasping for breath as we entered the house. Then she hugged Tyler and he was a bit more timid than he already was (he's cute when he's shy). After drinking milk and cookies we both went to the kitchen and my mother stayed there to help.

Then we spent almost an hour preparing the brownies. It's amazing how Tyler doesn't dirt while cooking. Even my mother was surprised. She spent most of her time reading a magazine, but she was always watching us.

Tyler laughed when I couldn't break the eggs. I don't know how to break eggs. I definitely don't get the kitchen. I am a 15-year-old failure.

The only relevant thing I did was do the dishes. Then when the brownies were ready, we got the ice cream in the refrigerator and ate brownie with ice cream. It was delicious (as you would expect from Tyler). My mother, who said she was in a regime, ate two pieces.

Tyler didn't wanna leave. He had already stayed for dinner, and then his mother called at 8:03 pm that he had to go home. I took him to the bus stop and stayed there with him until the bus arrived. I didn't want him to leave either.

Then we said goodbye with a hug. The longest we've ever had. It was cool. I had never liked hugging a person so much as I like to hug Tyler.

As I returned (very slowly) to the house, I was thanking the forces that govern the Universe for everything that worked for at least five hours of my life.


	24. twenty-fourth

**October 15th, 2003**

I feel so bad, so bad, so bad.

Until when can I pretend it's okay just not to lose the person who cares about me?

I can't stand. I think about quitting. But I can't, because Dr. Eva says that every time I think about giving up living the _other_ strengthens.

I have to stay alive. If not for me, then for Tyler. For our friendship.


	25. twenty-fifth

**Letter No. 3**

**October 16 th, 2003**

This is going to be a happy letter, I promise. I will try.

I'm trying to look good, putting my pieces together to look good. Do you know why I do this, Tyler? Do you know why I do this for you?

Because you're my best friend. That's what best friends do, isn't it?

I want to thank you for being my friend. Do you know the book that we're reading for English class, "To The Lighthouse"? You know the lighthouse is what we most want, isn't it?

Maybe my lighthouse is you, because all I want in this world is to feel good about myself, and you can make me feel good.

Thank you, Tyler. Thank you so much.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck inside myself, other times like I'm way out of my mind, and you can balance it. I've heard my mom tell my dad that I've never looked so good in life. Maybe that's true, right?

Even though I'm fine, I still need you. I don't really like to say this because I don't want you to feel pressur

**TYLER I HATE YOU**

**YOU DO NOT MAKE ME GOOD, YOU DESTROY ME, BUT ONE DAY I WILL BE WELL STRONGER THAN YOU AND STRONGER THAN JOSH**

**JOSH CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU, HE ONLY NEEDS ME, I'M ENOUGH. WE CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU. WE TWO TOGETHER**

**KEEP MY WORDS, TYLER JOSEPH: IF YOU STICK AROUND JOSH, I'LL TAKE HIM AWAY FROM YOU, AND IT WILL NOT BE COOL**


	26. twenty-sixth

**October 19th, 2003**

I'm just scared.  Afraid of myself.  I think this is the worst fear there is: being afraid of something that comes from yourself.

Today I've had a strange feeling all day, as if someone was following me closely, peering.  Every time I think about seeing someone, a shadow, anything, they never have anything.  This has happened once, but now it seems worse.  This makes me very nervous, and even my anxiety attacks, which have already subsided a few weeks ago, threaten to return.

Maybe it's just in my head.  Actually, it's _all in my head_.  _ Dual personality.  _ Forgot?

Yesterday I told Dr. Eva about the loss of control.  She asked if I was taking the pills and I said yes, of course. She also asked how the anxiety was going, and I said I was more in control (I did not say it was because of Tyler - I'm sure it's because of him. I've taken the same drugs for years and only after I met Tyler did I start to feel better  really).  Then she seemed to read my thoughts and said that having a friend was definitely doing very well.

She seems to like the fact that I have a friend.  I also really like it, I really like Tyler, but, you know, I'm afraid of hurting him someday.  I know I need his help, but for this I will have to reveal who I really am and I do not want this.  I want him to see me only as a friend, a best friend, not a person he needs to heal.

Tyler is my refuge.  I can not ruin it.  As long as I'm in control everything will work out.


	27. twenty-seventh

**October 20th, 2003**

Today we had a different English class.  The teacher asked us to form duos and write letters to each other.  Then Tyler held my wrist tightly and said I was going to pair with him.  Of course we would form a duo.  He's my only friend and I'm his only friend.

The teacher said that at the end of the lesson each pair would read the letters in front of the class, and I began to shake so nervous that I was.  Tyler noticed and took my hand and asked, "Is everything okay?"  Then I took a deep breath and concentrated on his hand holding mine and began to calm down.  He kept saying it would be okay, we would go together, and I really started to feel better.

I could not put anything too personal in the letter, so it looked like this:

"Hi, Tyler.

I'm writing this letter to thank you for the comic books you lend me every day.  You're a really nice friend, and I like the fact that you're my first best friend in.. . I don't know, my whole life.

I hope when high school is over, we'll still be friends.  Maybe by then you still haven't gotten sick of me.

Hugs,  


Joshua W. Dun "   


As I read I felt my voice fail from time to time, but to concentrate I looked around and saw Tyler there, smiling in a corner (as he does from time to time) and I took a deep breath and continued.   


He read his letter right after me (and after class was over he handed me the letter he wrote to me):   


"Hey, Josh.   


All right?   


You're nice.  I like the color of your hair.  I already asked my mother to paint my hair some other color, but she never allowed.  You are very lucky with your parents.   


Well, you're my best friend, okay?  That's why we formed a duo.  Oh, and I'm going to enjoy it to say that I really enjoyed going to your house. "   


At that time I was very red from blushing.  I stared at the floor to disguise.   


"I wanted to live closer to you.  We'd spend the night awake reading comics.  I know you like it a lot.   


We hope we never stop talking, man. What if something bad happens and we never see each other again?  I get sad every time I think about it, but I don't believe it will happen.   


From your best friend,   


Tyler R. Joseph "   


I also handed a copy of my letter to him, and he smiled as he received it.  When class was over, the English teacher called us and said that she had loved the sincerity of our letters and that we both seemed to be great friends.  I blushed, and Tyler held my hand again.  As the room was already empty, I was not as embarrassed as before.   


Then at lunchtime Tyler disappeared and popped up with fries, which he shared with me.  I bought soft drinks, even if my mother would not let me drink it.  It was a good lunch.   


We don't have classes together in the afternoon and I hate that.  I wanted to have all classes with Tyler.   


Tyler's letter will be kept with the diary, and all the other letters I have written to him, but I will never de liver.


	28. twenty-eighth

**Letter No. 04**

**October 21, 2003**

Something very strange happened to me today and I wanted you to be the first person to know, so I'm writing this letter.

When I got home from school, I went straight to bed, as I almost always do when I have nothing to do.  It's been a few days since I took Dr. Eva's new medication and it does not seem like it solved anything, but today it was very different.

I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes.  I was almost going to sleep when I saw something.  It seemed to be a dream, but I was not sleeping yet, we don't dream when we're just with our eyes closed.

I saw a person coming close to me and making me "shutdown" in some way.  And then it was not me anymore.  That one was me.  And then this one on my body wrote some horrible things in the jornal and left my room taking my journal with me.  I just watched from afar, it was very strange, Tyler.  Like I was not taking care of my own body.

I remember that I had arrived in the kitchen and my mother was there, then she looked at me and was frightened, asking if I was all right, and I heard my own voice cursing my mother and saying that I wasn't well.

After I saw this I woke up screaming in my bed.  I was very, very scared.  I went to the kitchen to take one of the headache medicines, and my mother was there.  I was very ashamed to see her, but I did not know if that was true, so I asked if this had happened.  She just said "I'm going to talk to Dr. Eva, I'll talk to you in a moment."

It's been half an hour since she went to see Dr. Eva and she has not come back yet.

I'm scared, Tyler.  Dying of fear.  Do you know when we hold each other after the touch of the hand?  I feel very safe when I hold you.  I wish I could do that now.  Surely I would not be feeling so afraid.


	29. twenty-ninth

**October 22th, 2003**

I didn't go to school today. I went to a last minute appointment with Dr. Eva.

I felt very uncomfortable telling what I had seen her, and she kept looking at me from behind her glasses and jotting down some things from time to time.

She told me that would be a bit of a nuisance, but it was common to happen while I was taking the new medication. So I asked her to take it immediately because it was horrible. She just shook her head, apologizing.

She continued, saying that I was having memory lapses. I was remembering what the other had done while I was in control. I was very scared and embarrassed because I had cursed my mother. She said she was sorry, but my mother knew I would never do that, I knew it was just a crisis. I could not stay calm about it.

Dr. Eva said it would be normal for the other to reveal his face to me, or to appear in a "physical" form. Then I said that from time to time I felt someone following me, or that I was being watched, and she said that when he appeared, I could not be afraid, because he is part of me.

How can I not be afraid of something that wants to destroy my family, myself and my best friend?

I told Dr. Eva the other hated Tyler. She said Tyler sure made me happy, and this one did not want to see me happy at all. That's why I had to fight it. He had spent all this time asleep because I was not happy and that's what he wanted, but as soon as I met Tyler he began to torment me more often.

I'm going to beat him. I'll try to remember more things this monster did when I could not defend myself, I'll find a way to take him out of me before he can do anything bad to me, my family, and especially Tyler.


	30. thirtieth

**October 23th, 2003**  
I was greeted by a hug from Tyler, the longest we ever had.

He asked why I hadn't called at night to tell him why I had missed it yesterday, and I realized that I had forgotten. I was very nervous, scared to death. If I had talked to him, I'd told him everything without thinking twice.

So I said I was sick and I slept very early. I think he thought I was sick, since my face was not the best.

He spent a lot of time looking at my face. I blushed because I had never really been looked at that way. He smiled a little and I believe he did not realize he was doing it.

Today's class was very boring. I slept for two hours and was awakened by Tyler at lunch.

He took a rare HQ that he had

**TYLER IS AN IDIOT**

**I-D-I-O-T**

**I HATE TYLER, AND YOU SHOULD HATE HIM TOO**

**TYLER ENFORES ME, BUT THE MORE I HATE HIM THE MORE I FEEL STRONG**

**MAYBE JOSH NEVER LEARN THAT HE ONLY NEEDS ME**

**TYLER IS HELPING HIM TO GET AWAY FROM ME AND I DON'T WANT THIS**

**I HATE JOSH BECAUSE HE LOVES TYLER**

**I HATE EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS**

**I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE ANXIETY, I HATE SCHOOL, I HATE MY PARENTS**

**I HATE TYLER**


	31. thirty-first

**October 27th, 2003**

Why stay living?

I'm sorry, Tyler. I don't know if I can still stand it.


	32. thirty-second

**October 28th, 2003**

I've already decided what to buy for Tyler.

He told me today that I always wanted to have a ukulele, and as incredible as it may seem I just counted my money and if I save another ten dollars, I can buy a ukulele!

I think his voice is cool. H e could have a band, if he wanted to.  He seems to be the kind of person who likes music.  I don't know if I can handle it, but if I were part of a band, I definitely would not sing.

I talked to my mom about Tyler's gift and she did not stop looking at me and smiling for a second.  When I asked what was going on she just told me "I can pay half".  I insisted, saying that I could pay for everything, but she insisted more than I did, so I agreed.

I didn't have class with Tyler today, but I saw him at lunch.  He always smiles every time he sees me.

I like him very much.  He's the nicest person I've ever met (considering I don't know many people).  I like to go to school because of him.  Every day, before bed, I pray and thank God for Tyler's existence because only he makes my life have any sense.

Oh, in a few days it's Halloween.  I do not go out for candy anymore, but maybe my mother will let me go to Tyler's house to celebrate in our way.

 


	33. thirty-third

**October 29th, 2003**

Today was a fair day. It seems like things are going well.   


I don't know if I can keep a secret about Tyler's gift until December 1 (which is still soooooo far away), but I'll do my best to don't tell him. I want to see his surprise face. From what I know of him, I know he will hold me when he receives the gift and will be very happy.   


That's what I want, after all. To make Tyler very happy, just as I feel close to him.   


I asked my mother to come to Tyler's house on Friday night and she said okay. She might even take me there.   


God, I'm so happy.   


So happy that I forget that far from Tyler I'm nothing.


	34. thirty-fourth

**October 30th, 2003**

My mom made waffles and sent one to Tyler.  Then I handed the waffle to Tyler for lunch and he said it was very good.   


I told Tyler that my mother had let me go to his house tomorrow, and he was so happy that he hugged me.  I didn't expect it, but I liked it a lot.   


We had Chemistry class together.  I was yawning and almost asleep when I felt someone take my hand.  It was Tyler.  I looked at him and he was looking at our hands together.  I did not think about letting them go, but I asked him why he did it.  He didn't answer.  He just smiled at me and blushed, as if embarrassed.   


I felt so bad for asking that I took his hand again and held it under the chair and intertwined our fingers.  His fingers are very thin, nice to hold.  And, incredible as it may seem, it was so good.  I felt safe, as never before, nor even at home.  It seemed like nothing was going to hit me at that moment.   


And it didn't.   


After a few minutes I felt Tyler's fingers loosen in mine.  Then I looked at him and saw that he had slept in class.  I don't know what I'm going to look like by saying that, but he looks so cute sleeping, with his eyes closed and his mouth half-open.   


I spent the last twenty minutes of class in a sort of wakefulness of Tyler's sleep.  He looked like an angel sleeping.   


The alarm that announced the end of classes woke Tyler, and we were able to go home, since Chemistry class is the last of the day.   


We're not going to have a class tomorrow.  So, I'm going to spend all day with Tyler until nighttime.  I've already asked my mother enough for me to sleep there, but she will not let me.  Damn, I wanted to sleep so much at his house...   


I understand the situation, okay?  Anyway, I'm so glad she let me spend the day with my friend.


	35. thirty-fifth

**October 31th, 2003**

Okay, TODAY was the best day of my life.   


It's already eleven-thirty at night and I'm still awake, writing.  I want to keep every detail of today.  I never want to forget and I don't want the _other_ to take those memories away.   


The morning was kind of bad.  I woke up having another lapse of memory, where I broke an expensive pot from my mother.  I thought it was only a dream, even out of curiosity, to go look for this pot all over the house and find it nowhere.   


After that I got ready very quickly and in less than twenty minutes I was already going to the Joseph's house.   


I had never seen Tyler's parents or brothers (he said he had two younger brothers and one older).  I was nervous, but every time things seemed out of control, I closed my eyes and thought of Tyler.  I remembered he was going to be there, nothing was going to go wrong.   


Well, Tyler's parents are incredible people.  Basically they are normal parents, like mine, but they were very nice to me.  Tyler's father asked if I was still going out to ask for candy, and I said no.  Then he said that Tyler didn't go out either, that he said "he was too big for that".  I looked at Tyler out of the corner of my eye and he looked a little embarrassed.  So he called me to go to his room to play video games.   


We played Top Gear until lunchtime.  His mother made pumpkin pie (pumpkins... Halloween).   


Tyler's house was one of the most prepared for Halloween, I think.  His parents bought lots of candy to give to the children.  Mrs.  Joseph gave us some, and then Tyler and I went upstairs to his room with our hands full of candy.  There they had enough candy for a caries.

We ate the candy until Tyler got the last lollipop.  I was going to get the lollipop, but I left it with him.  He already had the lollipop in his mouth, but then he asked if I wanted to share.

"No!" I said at once, laughing.  I felt that I was flushed.  I kinda wanted to, but it did not seem very right.   


"What?  We're friends, man," he replied, taking the lollipop out of his mouth and handing me over.   


I looked at the heart-shaped lollipop.   


"Okay," I took the lollipop and put it in my mouth.  Tyler stared at me and seemed to make a great effort not to laugh, which did not work out too well.   


"You can laugh," I said, and he laughed.  I didn't take the lollipop out of my mouth.  "This is so wrong."   


"Ah, no problem.  Best friends share candies," Tyler said, and I returned the lollipop to him.  He stared at the lollipop, twirling it between his fingers, then put it back in his mouth.   


"Where is this written?"   


"Nowhere.  I just invented this rule. "   


"I like that rule," I said, looking at the last chocolate on the bed.  I picked it up and cut it in half, and handed it to Tyler.   


When I realized it was already seven o'clock.  Tyler's mother came in the door of his room with pizza for us.  We were not too hungry, but even so we accepted dinner (in part it was just not to hurt Tyler's mother).   


Me and Tyler kept talking while we ate pizza.  He told me he loved tacos, so I told him we could go to Taco Bell one of these days.   


When I said that, Tyler seemed to have remembered something he was trying to remember a long time ago.  I saw him run to a drawer in his wardrobe, and then he picked up a notebook, similar to my journal, but I was sure it was not a journal.   


And it was not.

He flipped through the pages very fast, seemed to look for something in particular.  Then he celebrated when he found it and shoved the notebook at me.  It looked like a poem, but it was kind of big.  The title read "Just Like Yesterday."   


"What is this?" I asked, reading the first few lines.  The verses were very beautiful.   


"It's a song I'm working on," he explained cautiously.  "Did you like it?"   


I looked at him.  He was nervous.  I took his hand and said, "You're very good at this, Tyler."   


He blushed and smiled, first timidly, then quite a bit.  I couldn't stand watching him smile without doing anything, so I hugged him.   


"Sing to me?" I asked.  He denied, saying that he had not yet worked on the tune (which he could do better if he had any instrument he could play), and I explained that he had no problem, just wanted to hear him sing.   


True, he had not yet worked on some parts of the tune, but it was great to hear Tyler singing.  His voice, as I thought, was (is) very good.   


He liked to sing for me.  As soon as he finished Just Like Yesterday he sang Taco Bell Saga for me, which was more of a joke than a song.  I laughed at some parts of the song, and I even dared to sing with him in some parts.   


"Tyler, you should work with music," I said.   


"What?"   


"I don't know.  Ever thought of forming a band?"   


"Already," Tyler admitted, not looking at me.  "But with whom?"   


"I don't know," I sighed.  "You're going to meet a lot of people, maybe some of them want to set up a band, too."   


"I don't know if these people would like to play something like Taco Bell Saga." Tyler laughed and I laughed too.  Soon we were interrupted by Tyler's mother saying that my mother had come to get me.   


She had agreed to pick me up at eig ht, so at eight she was there.  Tyler went with me to the door, so he hugged me to say goodbye.  


My mother waited outside the car, and as I got in the car, she asked if my day had been good.  I said it had been great and she was surprised, but in a good way.   


When I got home, I called Tyler.  He answered quickly.  We kept talking about him putting together a band until his mother told him that it was bedtime (around ten and a half in the evening).  It was difficult to hang up.  He was singing another song for me.   


Tomorrow is the day to see Dr. Eva very early.  I need to sleep.


	36. thirty-sixth

**Letter No. 05**

**November 1st, 2003**

Tyler, it's one month before your birthday. Are you happy?

I've never had a friend that I could celebrate his birthday, and since now I have, I should be more excited about it than you are.

Yesterday was a nice day. Sorry for my anxiety to have gotten me in a few moments when I was close to your parents. But thank God you were always there.

I'm going to see Dr. Eva, my psychiatrist. Have you ever had to go to a psychiatrist / psychologist? I think not. Never go. It's not so c

** TYLER, GO AWAY **

** GO AWAY **

**JOSH** ** SHOULD NOT KNOW YOU **

** ONE DAY YOU WILL DIE AND JOSH WILL SEE THAT YOU DO NOT NEED YOU **

** HE DOESN'T NEED NO ONE **

** NO ONE **

** WHEN I FINALLY TALK TO JOSH HE'LL SEEK THAT **


	37. thirty-seventh

**November 3rd, 2003**

When I arrived at school today and sat next to Tyler, he took my hand and squeezed it, smiling at me.  I could hold his hand for a long time, but he soon released it and handed me more Halloween treats.   


Tyler's gonna have to pay me for dental treatment.   


Today we had an English test and I did well.  I had an A. Tyler had a B. He said that I'm very good with words and stuff.  Then I blushed and said that he was better at this kind of thing, because the songs he wrote were incredible.  He smiled shyly and said, "Oh, this is not a big deal."   


I said "You'll see, in ten years you'll be very famous with your songs".   


He laughed, "Stop dreaming, Josh, it's never gonna happen."   


I said I doubted it and he just laughed anyway because he knew I was telling the truth.   


The rest of the day can be summed up and me and Tyler eating chocolates during the two vacant classes we had before he went to History class and I to Biology.   


I got home and my mother wasn't here.  My father said that she had gone out to buy some things for dinner.   


From what he said, when I arrived an hour ago she had left the house.  Now it's been three hours since she left.  The supermarket is not far from home.  Should I be worried about her?


	38. thirty-eighth

**November 4th, 2003**

My mother was well.  She arrived about an hour later.  The car tire stuck and she had to find a way to change it.

I was happy when she got home.  It was strange, even she was surprised, but I was so relieved to know that I was okay with it.  I'm almost never happy for my parents to be home.  Most of the time I wish they would spend the whole day off, but I got caught up in worrying about my mother's delay.

Today I had a math class with Tyler.  I was nervous when the teacher called me on the blackboard to answer a question.  Tyler said, "Josh, this is easy, you can do it," and I asked quickly. "What if I can't?", He replied, "That's okay, you're not a mathematician."  I got up and went there.  I did everything I could to focus on those numbers, but Tyler's voice telling me to stay calm would not get out of my head and distract me all the time (which is ironic).

When I finished and looked at the result, I thought it was all wrong, but I looked at Tyler and he was smiling, happy.  The teacher said, "Well done Josh," and then I realized that I had settled the question, after all.

Tyler invited me to lunch.  I had brought two apples (my mother told me to bring one to Tyler) and he took a ham sandwich.  We share a table, a table just for the two of us, without bother.  I can talk to Tyler any way I want without being judged by others, and that's the best thing in the world.


	39. thirty-ninth

**November 5th, 2003**

I swore that today was going to be a normal day like all the others: Tyler waited for me in front of the school until I arrived, I did the handshake with him as soon as I got to school, he hugged me, he gave me that smile that could heal cancer, we sat at the back of the room in Chemistry class, and from there things got a little awkward

Tyler looked weird and I felt weird about him.  The whole thing went something like this: we were answering Chemistry exercises when suddenly Tyler stopped writing and stared at a fixed point between the floor and the chair in front of him until he turned to me and asked,  "Have you ever had a girlfriend before?"

I didn't answer.   


"Ever wanted to date some girl?" He continued.  I just shook my head in a gesture that didn't say yes or no.   


"Why are you asking me that?" I asked.  Tyler had never said anything like it during our time of friendship.   


He pointed to a blond girl sitting in front of the room.   


"Jenna is so beautiful, isn't she?" He said, trying to see if I agreed with him.   


I looked at Jenna, trying to find in her something that might have caught Tyler's attention.  Jenna is the kind of nerd in our class, the one who sits at the first chair, answers all the questions and gets the highest notes.  Tyler must think she's pretty.  Okay, she's beautiful, but I would not fall for her.   


When he said that Jenna was "so pretty," I felt kind of bad about it.  I've never felt like this before.  It was like I could not let him  look at someone else.  Tyler is my best friend.  If he starts dating, he'll forget about me, will not he?  


"Before you came here I really liked her," he said, and my heart skipped for no reason.   


"And why don't you like her anymore?" I asked.  Tyler blushed and looked down.  I don't think he could explain.   


"I don't know.  I just don't like her anymore," He shrugged and simply replied, then smiled at me and returned to his activity.  I think I know how he feels.  My mother says that when I was younger I loved bananas, and from one day to the next I came to detest them for no reason.   


I spent the rest of the day trying to ignore this conversation, but it was very, very difficult.  Something in Tyler's glance at Jenna made me uncomfortable, making me nervous, as if Jenna was stealing Tyler from me.  I know Tyler doesn't even talk to her, but...  Tyler and Jenna together?  Where would I be?  Surely my alter ego would be my only company.


	40. fortieth

**November 6th, 2003**

I woke up with a headache.  I insisted on going to school, but my mother said that the way I was I could not go.  I was sad because I wanted to talk to Tyler, but my mother said I could call him before he left for school.

My headache almost passed when I heard Tyler's voice on the other side.  It was so comforting to hear my best friend's voice.

I told him that I had a horrible headache and that I was not going to school today.  I swear I could see the cute gleam in his eyes fading when he heard me saying it, and his mouth curving down a little, sad.  I'd spend hours talking about all of Tyler's facial expressions, because he looks so handsome in all of them.

It's weird to say, but it's the truth. If I were a girl (like Jenna) I'd be in love with Tyler from the first moment.

So Tyler said "All right" and wished me improvements.  I continued our conversation a little longer until Tyler said it was time for him to go to school, and with a heavy feeling in my heart I hung up.

After talking to Tyler, I locked myself in the bedroom and tried to sleep.

Before finally falling asleep, I had another lapse.  I didn't get scared as much as I did the first time, but I'm still very surprised to see what I do when I lose control of things.

This time I wanted to hit Jordan.  My father had to get me off him.  I can have an idea when that happened, because I think it's been a week since Jordan showed up with a blue-purple spot on his neck.  He also seemed a bit afraid of me, but I didn't even notice it.  Only now has it become more obvious.

It's shameful.  Even if everyone knows that it's not me, Joshua Dun, doing these things, in some way it's really me.  It's my body being controlled by something that's on my mind, even if it's only for a few minutes.

I really hate myself.  Not as much as the alter hates Tyler or hates me, but I hate myself for simply being me.  If I had no anxiety and double personality I would be just a normal 15-year-old kid, I would sleep at Tyler's house, he would come to my house too, I would not be avoided by my own family and so on, there are many things I can list  on here.

My mother brought my meals in the room.  At five in the afternoon I had no more headache.

Tomorrow is still Friday, and even though I know every detail of Tyler, I still feel excited to see him.


	41. forty-first

**November 7th, 2003**

While I was on the bus I had an idea, and decided that as soon as I got to school I would ask Tyler what he thought of it.

The drive to school seemed to take ten times longer than usual just because I wanted to talk to Tyler.  Funny, isn't it?  We get anxious and everything seems to take a while.

I practically jumped off the bus when he stopped in front of the school.  Then I saw Tyler standing in front of the school.  Today h e was wearing a red beanie.  I had to tell him he was handsome wearing it, and Tyler's cheeks almost matched the beanie.  Then he hugged me and I shivered as he breathed close to my neck.  I almost wanted to run away from feeling it as I hugged Tyler in front of a lot of people, but his hug made me want to stay.

He pulled away from me a bit and I said, "Tyler, I've been thinking about changing my hair color, what do you think?"  He looked at me as if I had gone crazy and then said "What's wrong with the blue?".

I said, "I've been with this color for a long time.  It's time to change, don't you think?"

He looked at my hair, then at the back of my eyes and said, "I like your hair like that."

Then I felt myself blushing and almost took Tyler's hat to hide my face.  I smiled at him and said, shyly "Do you like it?"  He replied, "Well, if you want to change, it's okay.  I like you anyway. "

He seemed a bit confused just after he said these words, and even though they sounded kind of strange from my best friend, I decided not to question, just smile and say, "Thank you, Ty."

He said, sitting in his chair in the back of the room, next to me, "I like it when you call me that."  Then I said, "And I like it when you call me Jishwa."

The rest of the day was insignificant compared to what happened in the morning.  Even though I'd had no classes with Tyler all afternoon, I couldn't even stop smiling for a single second.


	42. forty-second

**Letter No. 06**

**November 8th, 2003**

Sorry for the last letter.  I really didn't want that _stupid_ one to invade the only time I can tell you whatever I want, and this time I'm going to do my best not to try to make you scold or something.

You know, I talked to my mom today and she said I could come to your house after school on her birthday.  It will be very, very cool!  We're going to leave school and go straight to buy your gift, and then we'll go home.  My mother said she can pick me up at ten o'clock!

Oh my God.  I was going to keep writing, but... I'm very scared, Tyler.  You are not here but I am pretending that you are and that I am holding you tightly.

There's someone in my room, Tyler.  There is someone here.

You're not here, but please do not let that person hurt me.  Please please please.

He's on the other side of the room.  He is standing in front of the door.  I don't know who he is.  Is it the double personality, Tyler?  Dr. Eva said I could not be afraid, but he seems so... _spooky_.  He doesn't say a word and it already scares the hell out of me.   


I think if I stay very quiet and focus on the letter he will not get close.  I can feel his eyes following my movements, Ty.  Does he know I'm writing to you?   


I'm afraid to call my mother or anyone else, because if this guy is my double personality, he can take my body and do some harm... I don't even want to think.   


Tyler, he's coming down the stairs.  I can hear the sound of his steps coming down.  Is he going to do something?  I'm still inside the room, still writing.  I'm afraid to go to the door and see him there, looking at me.   


My mother called me now, and I have to go.  I'm going to see Dr. Eva and, no doubt, I'm going to tell you what happened and she'll know how to explain it to me.


	43. forty-third

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of updates, my computer is a real trash

**Letter No. 07**

**November 9th, 2003**

I was right, Tyler.  It was him.  That bad guy.

Dr. Eva was very, very surprised when I told her what had happened before I went to the appointment.  She asked if he had not said anything, and I said no.

I said I had been afraid of him, and I apologized because she had said I should not be afraid.  She said that that she understood my side, it was common to be afraid in these situations.

I asked what to do when it happened again, and she said there were two things I could do: one I had done, that was to focus on good things, in case you;  The second was to ignore fear and face my own mind.  She said that the first option might just anesthetize, but to beat him or at least have more control over him I had to face him.  Then one hour or another I'll have to really talk to him.

Dr. Eva assured him that he could not hurt me, and that my parents knew how to act if I could no longer deal with the situation.

She asked, already at the end of the appointment, if I had told you about the problems.  I said no, that the letters are solving.  She looked pleased, but I did not.

I want to tell you.  I want you to know me, to see inside me, to be as close to me in immaterial matters as we are close when you hold me and I feel your breath on my neck.

One day, Tyler, I promise I'll tell you everything.


	44. forty-fourth

**November 10th, 2003**

Tyler didn't go to school today.

In fact, he will not go to school for the whole week.  He called me early to talk to me and explain why he was going to be away for five days.

I've been gone two days without seeing Tyler, and that's the best I can handle.  What will happen to me this week?

He said he's going to travel to Hartford, Connecticut, to visit na uncle and aunt who lives there.  Tyler told me that he tried to negotiate with his parents for two or three days, but his brothers love their uncles and so they're going to be away all week.

When Tyler hung up and I realized I had to spend five days alone at school, I felt like crying.  For months I didn't stay that long without seeing him, and the idea struck me as too frightening.

Especially with that _strange person_ appearing to me.  I don't know when he's coming back, and every time I think about him I feel afraid.  On the other hand I want him to appear.  I want to see his face again and face him equally, since we are one.  He can't beat me, of course he can't.

I held on to crying as hard as I could.  I tried pretending that everything was okay with me.  My mom asked what had happened and I said, "Oh, Tyler's going to be in  Hartford for five days, that's okay."  She was a little surprised and asked, "Are you going to be okay?"  


I felt the urge to cry at that time, but I fought back tears and put a smile on my face, saying "Of course I will.  I can".

Well I wanted it to be true.

At school, I spent all day alone.  I tried to read a comic (which I had read about 50 times) in class, but I always found myself thinking about Tyler and getting more and more nervous.  I even felt that horrible feeling of not being able to breathe properly that I had not felt in so long.  I asked the teacher to leave the classroom because I was not feeling well.

I just got back home after lunch.  Even though I lived at a distance of almost an hour walking from school, I didn't catch the bus.  I went home walking, and I got tired, but at least I had my walk to distract myself.

The next four days are going to be too difficult.  Tyler did not even leave the phone number of his uncles home so I could call.  The way it's going to be at least think  about it before bed.  


It's only been a day, and I'm missing Tyler way too much.  It's funny to think that earlier this year I never thought I'd ever miss anyone.  When he returns from his travel, I may hug him so hard and never let him go again .


	45. forty-fifth

**November 11th, 2003**

Second day without Tyler.  Equally difficult, equally annoying, equally dull.

My mother showed up early in my room today and asked if I was really well, and I lied saying yes.  She made that face that she does when she doesn't believe in what I say, but pretends she believes it just so she will not hurt me.  She left my room and I almost called her to say that I missed Tyler, but she was coming down the stairs.

More anxiety crisis, this time on the bus.  I tried to cover my face with my hands and try to feel every inch of my face with my palms to make sense of reality, but it did not seem to be working.  I did all kinds of breathing exercises that Dr. Eva recommended to me, but nothing worked either.

It's official, the only remedy I need is Tyler.  I really like him, but I hate the fact that I feel too stuck with him.

But what if Tyler dies before me?  If something happens and we stop talking?  If we have to live far from each other and never see each other again, what will happen?  What will become of me?  I feel like trash, a useless, weak, for not even being able to spend a day at school away from my best friend.  How am I going to become an adult like that?  How am I going to live like this, dependent on a person to maintain my own sanity?

It's not like I don't like to be with Tyler.  I love being with him, more than anything, but I just wanted me to be able to be fine alone.


	46. forty-sixth

**November 12th, 2003**

It was a pretty bad day, as usual.  Nor is it worth telling about it.

What matters is that Tyler called me.  Yes, he remembered me and he found a way to talk to me!  When the phone rang, my mother ran to answer it.  I had no idea it could be Tyler.  Then she said "Yes, he is" on the phone and then called me.  I asked "Who is it?" Because at the time I didn't even imagine that it could be my best friend.  I didn't even expect him to remember me.

She said "It's Tyler!" And I swear I shivered hearing it.  She handed me the phone and I sighed in relief when I heard Tyler's voice saying my name.

"Tyler?" I said, shaking a little.  It looked like I had Parkinson's instead of severe anxiety.

"Hi, Josh, it's me," I knew he was smiling as he spoke.  I smiled together. "How are the classes?"

"Just the same as always," I replied.  "But without you they are more annoying."

"Oh," Tyler said from the other side.  I felt more and more calm. "It's boring here, too, without you."

"Are you coming back only Friday?" I asked hopefully.  Maybe Tyler's parents had changed their minds.

"So... I had called to talk about it" Tyler spoke in a serious tone and I was afraid. Was he going to spend another week?  The phone threatened to slip from my hand to the ground, so I held it tighter.

"What happened?" I asked.

"We'll be back tomorrow!" Tyler said, and I almost jumped for joy.

"Are you going to school on Friday?" I couldn't help but ask. I had to prepare his welcome.

"Of course," he replied.  "If my mother doesn't let me go, I'll just run away so I can see you."

Inexplicably I felt something strange in my chest as he said it.  I just managed to smile at the wall in front of me.

"I have a little gift for you, Josh," he said softly.  "My mother said I wasn't supposed to tell you until I gave it to you."

"Oh, Tyler!" I almost screamed.  "What will you give me?"

"You'll know on Friday," he said, and I squeezed my eyes shut, frustrated.  Great, now I was going to spend two whole nights wondering what he's going to give me on Friday.

I heard Tyler's mother call him on the phone.  He said he was going and we had to say goodbye.  It was not easy.

"See you Friday, Jishwa," he said.

"Yeah, we'll see each other," I finished, then he said good night and hung up, and I stood in the kitchen with the phone in my hand, smiling.

Only the sound of Tyler's voice already takes my day from 0 to 100 in less than a minute.


	47. forty-seventh

**November 13th, 2003**

Today, somehow, I managed to calm down at school.  I kept getting anxious, but as I knew Tyler was coming back to Columbus I was calmer.  In less than 24 hours we would hug and everything would be alright.

It's hard to stare at his empty chair next to me.  It's like I'm missing part of me, and if something very, very bad happens to Tyler, I'll never get used to it without him.  He has already marked me so much, in such a short time... Our friendship is too strong to be broken so easily.  I'm sure nothing bad will happen to both of us.

I got a way out of lunch today and had lunch at a diner near the school.  I ate a taco, and I could not help but remember how much Tyler likes them.

Okay, it's already night.  Tomorrow I'm going to see Tyler for the first time in six days.  I'm anxious, but that way I like it.  The chill in the belly, something wrapped lightly in my stomach... Yeah, Dr. Eva said that feeling this is pretty good.  In 15 years, I've only felt it a few times, and Tyler was the reason for all of them.


	48. forty-eighth

**November 14th, 2003**

Today was such a good day!  I could go out screaming that today was the best day of my life, but I'd rather keep all that happiness.

I got to school early, and incredible as it may sound, Tyler was already there with his red beanie.  As soon as he saw me getting off the bus, he ran towards me and I ran too, and then things happened too fast.  When I realized, we were hugging each other like we hadn't seen each other for years.

I don't know how long we stayed that way, hugging each other.  Then when we finally had to pull away, Tyler gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I couldn't do anything at that time besides standing and looking at Tyler.  I don't know the expression I did, but it seemed that Tyler thought I didn't like it and he started blushing too fast and avoiding looking at me, so I took his hand and said, "Hey, it's okay." 

He smiled sheepishly and said that this was the gift he had for me.  Then I laughed and said, "I'm sure it was not your mother who told you to do this."

Tyler blushed so much today that I was surprised he did not get second-degree burns on his cheeks.

"Of course not, Jishwa," he replied, and I smiled as I heard him call me that.  


I invited him to enter the school.  It was very cold.  There were no students outside except the two of us.  


Then he had told me that he was so homesick for me that this was what he wanted to do, so he did.  Then he asked, very low and slow, "Did you like it?"  


I  wanted to talk for minutes how strange and good it was, but I could only find a few words.  "I like it," I replied.  "A lot".  


He just smiled at me and blushed for the twelfth time in the day.  Tyler always looks cute when he blushes and I think he has no idea.  


We had only two classes together today.  We spent these two classes holding each other's hands, just because we thought it was good to do.  Incredibly the act gave me a tranquility that I thought I would only have in Heaven.  


At lunch he told me about the trip.  He said it was fun to travel by plane.  I've never traveled by plane.  I wonder what it feels like to be taking off, flying higher and higher.  


I  asked Tyler to describe the feeling of taking off and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't.  Then I said, "So compare it to something you know the feeling."  


He thought for a while, then he finally said "Take off brings the same feeling I feel every day when I see you coming to school."  


I didn't quite understand and asked him to explain.  He crossed his fingers, timid, and explained, "It feels... Incomparable, Josh."  


When he looked at me, his eyes sparkled, and it was so beautiful, so beautiful, so beautiful... I wanted to hug him in the middle of the whole school, but I only held his hand at that moment and felt that my world was complete .  


And the way Tyler kept looking at me, I know he felt that way too.


	49. forty-ninth

**November 15th, 2003**

Tonight I dreamed about Tyler.  
  
I've dreamed about him many times, but this time it was... different.  
  
I don't quite understand why I had a dream like that, but I'll just write and not question anything.  Even though it was a bit weird, it was good in a way.  
  
It was as if I was remembering our meeting at the front of the school yesterday morning.  We hugged each other and everything, we said the same words, but after he kissed my cheek, I leaned closer to him and kissed him on the mouth, just to know what it was like.  It was so fast...  
  
Then Tyler from the dream did nothing but smile at me, and then I woke up with my heart pounding.  
  
Honestly, I don't know what's happening to me.  Tyler is just my best friend, things between us should not go that way. I should not like him that way.  Besides, boy with boy... Would our families accept that?  I think not.  
  
I couldn't sleep after that.  I just lay awake, rolling back and forth on the bed, remembering how good the kiss was, and Tyler's mouth was soft and... Oh, I better stop it.  I don't know if I can still look at him in the same way from now on, that I know the feeling of kissing him, at least in a dream.


	50. fiftieth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE THIS CHAPTER  
> PRAISE DR. EVA

**November 16th, 2003**

That dream had me so, but so intrigued that I decided to comment on it with Dr. Eva.  
  
No, I didn't tell her the dream.  I just asked her "Dr.  Eva, if I tell you something, will not you tell my parents? "  Then she said, "Of course, Josh."  
  
So I took a deep breath before asking, "What if I'm gay?"  
  
"Why did you ask me that?" She sounded very intrigued. Sh e let her pencil fall from her hand.  
  
"Just answer me if you have any problems with that," I asked.  
  
"Of course not," she said.  "I'm sure your parents will accept your sexuality."  
  
"Don't tell them I asked you that, please," I was almost begging.  I didn't trust Dr. Eva very much, but she was the only unsuspecting person I could ask anything.  
  
"Okay..." Dr. Eva continued.  "But are you sure about that?"  
  
"Well, I don't quite know yet," I admitted.  I began to feel such difficulty concentrating my thoughts in one place, and Dr. Eva noticed.  
  
"Josh... It's okay," she told me.  "Don't worry about a thing.  You're only 15, you're starting to live, I'm not forcing you to give me a certainty. "  
  
"Thank you," I said, because I didn't know what to say in that situation.  She spent a little time tapping the pencil in her notebook and looked at me narrowly and smiling.  
  
"There's some boy... or something else that's happened... What made you doubt your sexuality, Josh?" She asked, softening her voice so as not to sound too interested.  So accustomed that I am with her, I already know all her tricks, but this time I froze when she asked the question.  
  
I just stared at her.  I did not want to talk about Tyler.  By the way, was it really Tyler that was causing all this?  I was not even in love with him.  
  
Maybe it was just the period I was going through.  I have a difficult life and Tyler was always there for me, so it would be normal for me to cling to him enough to want to kiss him.  
  
But I'm not in love with him.  He is just my friend.  
  
Dr. Eva noticed my lack of response and gave a slight smile.  
  
"It's okay if you do not want to tell me," she said.  "But I still have my doubts about a certain person."  
  
"Tyler?" I let out.  Dr. Eva looked like a cool mom instead of a psychiatrist.  "Why?"  
  
"You have to see the sparkle in your eyes every time you talk about him, Josh," she said in a beautiful tone.  "And since you've become his friend you've gotten a lot better out of anxiety."  
  
She was not lying.  I shook my head to agree with her.  She reached out and took my hand.  
  
"You like girls or boys don't change who you are inside, Josh," Dr. Eva said.  "Love is love.  It doesn't matter where and from whom it comes and for whom and where it goes.  You're free to love who you want, and if Tyler or anyone else makes you happy, love them without fear."  
  
I started to cry as she spoke, and she asked if I wanted a hug, but I refused.  I wanted to cry alone.  
  
I don't know if I love Tyler the way Dr. Eva says.  I didn't think I was going to have other things to worry about besides school, anxiety and double personality until a dream changed everything.

 


	51. fifty-first

**November 17th, 2003**

When I saw Tyler waiting for me in front of the school, I could think of nothing but my dream.  
  
We hugged each other, and I think I looked sad when I saw that there was no kiss on the cheek. He smiled, took my hand, and entered the school (not holding hands, of course).  
  
I didn't even pay attention to the lessons right, I just kept remembering the dream, then I would look at Tyler's mouth when he was distracted and wondered: what if I kiss him? It's so close, it's so easy...  
  
But I didn't kiss him. Just thinking about it made me shiver, so I thought things were better than anything between us.  
  
We're friends and I'm ok with that, and I'm sure he is.


End file.
